Enter the mind of of Steven Wright

 
 
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back. 
3 – Half the people you know are below average. 
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
8 – If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. 
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend…  but she left me before we met. 
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? 
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? 
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. 
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 
19 – I intend to live forever… so far, so good. 
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
23 – My mechanic told me, "I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. 
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.  
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film. 
And an all time favorite- 
34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 
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